A New Day Has Come....

I've struggled with letting people in my life because of what they might think of me or how terrible of a person they might think I am.  When dating I normally only let a guy in my life just a little bit before I break up with them.  For the last few months I've thought about why I'm scared and afraid.  The fact that I actually decided to talk about it will bring relief and acceptance of myself.  People will probably think I'm dysfunctional and I'm okay with that.

I'm an emotional person and I cry pretty easy.  I cry when I'm happy, excited, angry, sad, or whatever emotion I can feel.  I just cry.  I can thank my mom for that.  One memory I have of my mom crying so fast was when we were in sacrament meeting and the speaker already had tears going down her eyes and my mom was bawling.  I remember rolling my eyes but look where I am now....I cry so fast.  Please don't think I cry to manipulate my way into something. I definitely do not do that; however, I can't control the tears.  When the spirit is there and I can feel it, I can't stop.  I've had some friends tell me that quite often.  When my eyes are full of tears, all the fear and loneliness goes away.  I feel at that moment I can open up a little bit more about myself.  I always get scared that the receiving person will judge me. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and there are some hard days as well as some good days.  I try to make sure I'm always praying and reading my scriptures to give me hope and guidance in my life or so my anxiety is manageable that day.  I've started seeing a counselor again to get adequate help and to make sure I'm doing everything I can to make sure anxiety doesn't overtake my life. I'm grateful for the Atonement that can help alleviate some pain, fear, and constant worry.  I often pray to Heavenly Father to ask that my anxiety will never bother me again.  I am reminded every single time that this mental illness is to keep me humble and always asking for help.  I'm just grateful for the knowledge of the gospel to help me each day.

I promise I'm getting to my post right now.  I just needed to give a background of where I am coming from. This takes me a lot to say but I'm finally willing to let my pride and stubbornness to tell you how grateful I am for you. Today I am grateful for an amazing person in my life. I love you. I don't think amazing even summarizes what I think of you. The moment I met you is the moment I knew there was something different about you. I remember telling two friends how I wanted to get to know you. For a short time I struggled to think you were funny. There came a point where I began thinking about how I much I appreciate and care about you.  It became more than just the physical looks. You're my favorite person and have been for quite some time but I wasn't willing to admit it.I've struggled to let people in my life but you've made it so easy for me to trust you.  You've been so crucial to heal my heart and to let me feel again.  No matter how many times I tell you I'm struggling with anxiety you always tell me you're sorry.  You never make me feel stupid.  You're always there to uplift, make me laugh, and make me feel like a human being.  Thank you so much!  I can't even began to express how much I needed you.  So many days feel so overburdened or hard and you help give me rest.  I know I've been a difficult person to get along with and there are times you feel annoyed with me but thank you for not giving up on me. This Thanksgiving I am so grateful for you.  I sit here crying as I type this but I want you to know I appreciate you.  You're the human being I've been waiting for to help me along this mortal journey.  Our paths may never align with each other in the future but I want you to know I care about you.  I want you to be happy.  I want you to know I support you.  I see the many great things you don't see in yourself and try to help you as much as I possibly can.  We both suck at communication, but you've got some awesome qualities that I admire.  You're patient, loving, funny, loyal, trustworthy, loving, honest, friendly, and can make anyone feel special.  Thank you my dearest...you're great! ;-)

I hope we can think about those individuals that help make our lives better.  Today I'm not only grateful for my one person but my friends and family.  This Thanksgiving my goal is to be able to express to those individuals that have impacted my life in ways they never imagined. I have so much to be grateful for that it makes the wants or needs diminish.

Until next time,