Missing you...

It's been a couple of months since I've posted anything. I'm just gonna dive right back in: I'm depressed. I've been depressed lately and I never really knew how I felt until this past weekend. I had ZERO motivation to do anything and laid in bed doing nothing. It's a destructive life and I feel defeated. I hate feeling this way. Depression is real and it sucks! I'm trying so hard to not feel this way. I really am!!! I'm trying to think of all the positives that have happened in my life. I can't pinpoint what I'm depressed about but I also can't get rid of this feeling. I'm not sure if I should cry. 

I miss Michael. He was my safe person and the one guy I felt who never let me down. I'm not saying he is perfect but I trust him. I love him. He's been the one guy to stand by me through everything. All the bad things that have happened and when I tell him about things, he doesn't flinch. He hugs me and asks me what he can do to help. He drops everything and serves me. Why did he have to move?! The one time I felt so secure was abruptly taken. I miss that feeling. I'm starting to tear up just thinking about him and how much he has cared for me. I can't wait to embrace him so soon. I wish that soon was today.  I also wished he didn't have to move.  He has a job in AZ with his Dad and there's no reason for him to be here in UT. He graduated last month. I sobbed for the first few days when he left. And now I feel my heart aching for him. Aching for that smile, those dimples, and those eyes. It's hurts so bad I feel Iike apart of me is gone. Why did he and I become so close so fast and then to have it all be gone with a flash? It hurts so much it's unbearable like it is right now. 

I haven't really spoken about how much I missed him to anybody but here I am. Michael, if you are reading this, I miss you more than you know. My days were so much better when you were involved  in it. Your presence takes away the pain, hurt, and any negative thoughts. I've shared so many different feelings with you and you didn't go running. You stood beside me and smiled. You made me feel like a real person with no problems and not the depression, anxiety, and ADHD individual I am. You made me love myself more. Why didn't "us" happen sooner?! So many questions I ask and it's painful but I'm also grateful you've been there for me. I am not sure what I would do without you. I feel alone and it's because you're not here. 

Until next time,