This post is so hard for me. I have been doing a lot of pondering and praying. I've been battling anxiety for quite some time. I stopped seeing a counselor because I thought I was "better". I then felt the urgency to return to start seeing a counselor. After seeing her for multiple sessions she mentioned to me about taking medication. I told her on the first meeting I wanted to stay away from medication. I was scared because I didn't know how my body was going to handle this. I finally had the feeling I needed to find out if I really needed to be put on medication. I figured the natural remedies I was taking would be sufficient. When she told me she was putting me on antidepressants and another pill for anxiety, I began to sob. After this whole time of trying so hard I had to "give up" and be put on medication that I didn't want. After I left with a prescription in hand, I immediately went to the bathroom and began to sob more. How did it get this bad? Why is this happening to me? A still small voice whispered in my ears, "Heavenly Father needs you to grow." But why me? Why does it hurt so much? After talking to two amazing friends about that, they hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. I was afraid and had fear.
Later on that day, I took my prescription to get filled. I had lots of questions for the pharmacist and told him I was scared. After a couple days of the medication, I've experienced a lot of things going on with my body. I take neurontin three times a day (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) and Zoloft at night. Both medications make me so exhausted. I have a loss of appetite and am even nauseous. I had a friend who said he wished he had a loss of appetite. lol. The only thing I am craving is applesauce and oranges. I'm going to try to incorporate some other foods in me but we shall see how my body reacts to it. I seriously feel like I'm pregnant. haha. But i'm not so don't get any thoughts!!! I've been surrounded by wonderful individuals that are helping me on this long journey to a better health. I'm extremely blessed.
I just feel so blessed to be where I am. As difficult as it is to experience what i've been through on a daily basis, I'm glad there is help on its way. My favorite talk is called Sunday Will Come... I say to you Sunday is coming! I know that through this pain and suffering, I will feel rest and peace. I've been reading the scriptures and it's made me realize how much Heavenly Father's hand is in EVERYTHING I'm going through. Everything has happened for a reason. I'm learning more about the Atonement....not only learning but feeling the Atonement. It is saving me from so much agony. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real! It's for everybody...not just for those that have sinned but those are struggling with a trial. Jesus Christ has felt that very pain.
Not everybody knows I'm struggling because I can hide it pretty well, but I have to not be stubborn nor prideful and say that i'm struggling. It's been so rough the last couple of months. The ride has been a bumpy one, but I'm glad I've had help along side of me. I failed to realize how important the Atonement of Jesus Christ is...I'm glad it's there for me! I'm also so grateful that Heavenly Father knew what individuals were supposed to be in my life...Ryan, of all people, knows exactly what i'm going through. Poor guy gets bombarded by questions from me. He puts up with me saying how exhausted and scared I am. Heavenly Father knew I needed him, especially during this time of struggle and pain. I swear Ryan and I are twins...weird...haha. I'm just so glad he is there to make sure i'm okay and he gives the best hugs! He has some amazing roommates, Michael and Brian. They warm my heart and are so willing and ready to serve me. They continue to listen to my ranting and struggles and yet they still look at me with a smile. I feel so blessed with these men in my life that continue to show kindness and patience. I have so many other friends and family to thank for being so supportive towards me. I've been showered with so many supporters. I have friends that have told me it's going to be okay. Here are a few to name: Brooke, Amy, Maria, Sarah S., Sarah H., Ashley, Chris, Jen, Rachel, Ali, Kelcee, Coleman, Lisa, Glennie, Maile, Jacy, MY FAMILY, and many many more. Thank you thank you!
Sunday is coming! I feel it! I know everything will work out how it's supposed to. I know Heavenly Father has a remarkable plan for me. I rejoiced in the pre mortal life before I came to earth. I want to continue to rejoice while here on earth. All of this learning is for me to help others and also to take this knowledge with me to the next life. How blessed I am with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life!!! It is true! I cannot deny it.
I read 2 Nephi 4 tonight and I bawled like a baby. Everything I needed to know what in that chapter. Nephi is struggling and he has a breakdown of all the sins he's committed. At the end of the chapter he continues to talk about faith and especially prayer. He talks about enemies. I always thought of enemies as people that dislike me or I dislike them. While reading the thought came to me that enemies could also mean trials like my mental illness. This chapter has been made for me through this struggle and I know it's true!
If you're struggling with anxiety, depression, etc., get help! There is someone that can help you. It just takes a little bit of putting your pride down and not being so stubborn. If I can do it, so can you and I will be holding your hand through it all. I NOW know that I didn't "give up" by taking these medications. I simply am getting help and letting my pride down.
Until next time,
Lozza
Shopping
Lover of retail therapy
Girls night
Lover of red noses
Golf
Lover of the impossible